Dear Melissa,
I have a 6 year old son with a diagnosis of autism. We drove 2 hours to my mother-in-law’s house for Thanksgiving dinner, and it was a disaster! My son wouldn’t give her a hug, wouldn’t sit in his chair, crawled under the table, wouldn’t talk to anyone, and wouldn’t eat any of the food because it “looked different”. On top of that, he kept running in circles, making squealing noises. We had planned to go back to visit for Christmas, but I don’t know if I can take it. Can you HELP?
I have a 6 year old son with a diagnosis of autism. We drove 2 hours to my mother-in-law’s house for Thanksgiving dinner, and it was a disaster! My son wouldn’t give her a hug, wouldn’t sit in his chair, crawled under the table, wouldn’t talk to anyone, and wouldn’t eat any of the food because it “looked different”. On top of that, he kept running in circles, making squealing noises. We had planned to go back to visit for Christmas, but I don’t know if I can take it. Can you HELP?
Disclaimer: I promise, if you are a family that I work with, I am not revealing your personal story.
Holiday Chaos
If this sounds like your family, then you are not alone! I have heard varieties of this question many times through the years, from many families who have struggled with family and holiday festivities. Why? Because holidays are hard! To quote my favorite Christmas movie, Christmas Vacation, we set expectations that no family can live up to. If you don’t know what I am talking about, watch the movie! Even without developmental delays, language barriers, sensory sensitivities, or sensory seeking behaviors, holidays can be a stressful time for anyone. There are crowded rooms, unfamiliar houses, cooking disasters, new smells, new foods, and everyone expecting everyone to be on their best behavior. Tricky times!
A diagnosis is NOT an excuse for poor behaviors.
This statement is bolded and on it’s own line, because it is something that I feel very strongly about. I love working with children with autism, ADHD, and behavior difficulties. They are why I get up and come to work every morning. Why? Because we can help them! It makes me sad when a parent says, “Oh, they do that (insert disruptive behavior) because they have autism.” Well, true. But if that behavior is disruptive to the rest of the family, then maybe we need to work on it. It is not fair for the child with autism to simply make excuses for him/her, and allow the child to get ostracized by their community. Yes, the community needs to learn to bend a little, but so does the family/child with autism. We all live together, and we all need to learn to get along.
This statement is bolded and on it’s own line, because it is something that I feel very strongly about. I love working with children with autism, ADHD, and behavior difficulties. They are why I get up and come to work every morning. Why? Because we can help them! It makes me sad when a parent says, “Oh, they do that (insert disruptive behavior) because they have autism.” Well, true. But if that behavior is disruptive to the rest of the family, then maybe we need to work on it. It is not fair for the child with autism to simply make excuses for him/her, and allow the child to get ostracized by their community. Yes, the community needs to learn to bend a little, but so does the family/child with autism. We all live together, and we all need to learn to get along.
Communication with others can help!
Again, the community needs to learn to bend, too. It is NEVER okay to bully or be mean to someone who is different. But let’s be honest, does any one of us want to “hang out” with an individual who we perceive as annoying? This is where communication helps. Let’s not make assumptions, but communicate about the situation. If your family knows that there are specific struggles for your child, and that you are taking specific steps to address these struggles, this will help concerned individuals be more sympathetic and understanding. If you can disclose to the family member specifically how you are addressing that challenging behavior, it can help the family be more understanding that you aren’t just simply being a “lazy and coddling parent”. (Because sometimes you know they are thinking that!) In addition, be sure to actually work on the behaviors that you know might be disruptive. Family and friends need to learn that patience is a virtue, AND disruptive behaviors need to not be given a free pass.
Again, the community needs to learn to bend, too. It is NEVER okay to bully or be mean to someone who is different. But let’s be honest, does any one of us want to “hang out” with an individual who we perceive as annoying? This is where communication helps. Let’s not make assumptions, but communicate about the situation. If your family knows that there are specific struggles for your child, and that you are taking specific steps to address these struggles, this will help concerned individuals be more sympathetic and understanding. If you can disclose to the family member specifically how you are addressing that challenging behavior, it can help the family be more understanding that you aren’t just simply being a “lazy and coddling parent”. (Because sometimes you know they are thinking that!) In addition, be sure to actually work on the behaviors that you know might be disruptive. Family and friends need to learn that patience is a virtue, AND disruptive behaviors need to not be given a free pass.
Many examples of good communication:
- “We are really working with Johnny on sitting at the table for dinner time. Two months ago, he couldn’t sit at the table for 5 minutes, now we have worked up to 15! I know it is not the entire meal, but it’s progress!”
- “Sally has such a hard time with hugs from anyone other than her parents. I know this makes her seem anti-social at times, so we have really been working on her giving ‘high-fives’ so she can still be able to greet people outside her immediate family.”
- “Judah has really been working hard with a speech therapist to try new foods. He used to gag with simply seeing new foods, but now he will at least allow food to remain on his plate. He will even touch it to his lips every once in a while. We will be bringing him his own food so he doesn’t get hungry or grouchy, but thank you so much for preparing such a delicious meal for our family!” (Just take a deep breath and be careful with this one. People can sure get touchy when it comes to their cooking!)
- “Bella sometimes flaps her hands and spins in circles when she is feeling overwhelmed. With all of the fun, family festivities, she will likely become overwhelmed a bit. Is there a place she can go to flap/spin for a few minutes before rejoining the fun?”
Each of these statements communicates to your family that:
- Yes, the child might do something annoying.
- Yes, I do realize that particular behavior is annoying.
- Yes, we are working on that disruptive behavior.
We are here to help!
- Talk to your child’s occupational therapist. He/she can practice behavior and sensory techniques for family gatherings.
- Talk to your child’s speech therapist. He/she can practice social stories and more social skills for family gatherings.
- Talk to your child’s psychologist. He/she can practice calming techniques.
- Talk to all of the professionals working with your child. They can all work together, with you, and generate a variety of creative techniques to help make family gatherings fabulous (or at least less stressful for all)!
Do you have ideas for making family gatherings more special for your child with special needs? Please share!
Want more specific ideas? See the link to last year’s holiday blog below!
Surviving the Holidays, November 24, 2014, Children’s Therapy TEAM Monday’s with Melissa Blog
Surviving the Holidays, November 24, 2014, Children’s Therapy TEAM Monday’s with Melissa Blog
