Dear Melissa,
What is the best way to tell my son with Autism that he is doing a good job?
What is the best way to tell my son with Autism that he is doing a good job?
If you read any parenting
book or blog, one overwhelming truth comes out: one of the best ways to encourage positive behavior is to praise a child
when he is being good. This is true
for children with Autism, this is true for children without Autism and this is true for your spouse as well! But news flash, in
most cases, you have to speak differently to the child with ASD than you do
with most other children. For example, those often posted "101 Ways to Praise a Child” are NOT how you praise
children with Autism!
Children with Autism have
difficulties processing language and social interaction. This is the hallmark of the diagnosis. However, not all children with ASD
are alike, just as not all “neurotypical” children are alike. But there are some general truths I have learned from over a decade of working with children with Autism.
Praising a child in a variety of different ways is confusing.
Children with ASD already have difficulties interpreting social cues and expressive language. Praising a child with ASD in 101 different ways requires him to decode the different types of praise 101 different times. Exhausting! That does not sound like a reward at all!
Consistent, predictable praise works wonders.
Consistency, consistency, consistency! Kiddos on the Autism Spectrum often repeat the same phrases over and over and watch the same movies repeatedly. The child who enjoys all of this repetition also enjoys it from you as well! For example, when a child with ASD brushes his teeth, he may expect that you sing the same song over and over. When he puts the puzzle piece in, he wants the same “good job” each time. One child I work with will even say the “good job” for me if I forget to say it after he completes a task well.
Consistency, consistency, consistency! Kiddos on the Autism Spectrum often repeat the same phrases over and over and watch the same movies repeatedly. The child who enjoys all of this repetition also enjoys it from you as well! For example, when a child with ASD brushes his teeth, he may expect that you sing the same song over and over. When he puts the puzzle piece in, he wants the same “good job” each time. One child I work with will even say the “good job” for me if I forget to say it after he completes a task well.
Want to be a little bit more
creative?
You can spice things up a little bit by having 2-3 different phrases, but too many can quickly become overwhelming and less effective for a child with ASD. I personally use “Good job!”, “Whoohoo!” and a “Good job (name)” song. If the kiddo can handle a bit more, you can always add a qualifier to the “good job”. For example: “Good job coloring”, or “Good job cleaning up”.
Avoid too many words.
Don't use too many words in your attempt to praise your child. For example, you would NOT say “Johnny, I am so proud of you for brushing your teeth so nicely. See how shiny they are? You are such a big boy!” This would be fantastic praise for a neurotypical child, but generally not appropriate for a child on the Autism Spectrum. Unless a child can speak back to you in several sentences strung together with emotions and abstracts thrown in, this is too much!
You can spice things up a little bit by having 2-3 different phrases, but too many can quickly become overwhelming and less effective for a child with ASD. I personally use “Good job!”, “Whoohoo!” and a “Good job (name)” song. If the kiddo can handle a bit more, you can always add a qualifier to the “good job”. For example: “Good job coloring”, or “Good job cleaning up”.
Avoid too many words.
Don't use too many words in your attempt to praise your child. For example, you would NOT say “Johnny, I am so proud of you for brushing your teeth so nicely. See how shiny they are? You are such a big boy!” This would be fantastic praise for a neurotypical child, but generally not appropriate for a child on the Autism Spectrum. Unless a child can speak back to you in several sentences strung together with emotions and abstracts thrown in, this is too much!
Try to ignore misbehavior.
Responding to misbehavior with a simple “no no” or “ehh!” can really backfire. Just as the child with ASD may be motivated by immediate, consistent praise, he may also crave immediate words of reprimand. When you see a child misbehaving...then waiting for you to give the same verbal reprimand you offered last time...that is when you know you have entered a negative dance. If at all possible, keep quiet, avoid eye contact, and gently/silently redirect the child to the correct action. This one is particularly hard, but you can do it!
Parenting a child on the Autism Spectrum offers a whole new set of challenges. But with shoulders to lean on, some extra patience and a few tricks in your bag, you can do it!
Responding to misbehavior with a simple “no no” or “ehh!” can really backfire. Just as the child with ASD may be motivated by immediate, consistent praise, he may also crave immediate words of reprimand. When you see a child misbehaving...then waiting for you to give the same verbal reprimand you offered last time...that is when you know you have entered a negative dance. If at all possible, keep quiet, avoid eye contact, and gently/silently redirect the child to the correct action. This one is particularly hard, but you can do it!
Parenting a child on the Autism Spectrum offers a whole new set of challenges. But with shoulders to lean on, some extra patience and a few tricks in your bag, you can do it!
What do you find most
difficult about parenting a child with Autism?
What tricks have worked for you and your family? Please share!
email: share@childrenstherapyteam.com
Resources:
Autism Spectrum Disorders, Parenting.com, accessed February 2015.
Behavior & Discipline Issues for Children with Autism Spectrum Disorders, Super Nanny (June 25, 2014), accessed February 2015.
Helping Children with Autism, Helpguide.org, accessed February 2015.
Tips for Parenting a child with Autism, WebMD, accessed February 2015.
Helping Children with Autism, Helpguide.org, accessed February 2015.
Tips for Parenting a child with Autism, WebMD, accessed February 2015.
