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Dear Melissa,
I need sleep! My kids are 3 and 5, and my husband and I have had them in bed with us almost every night for the past 5 years. Every night is a bedtime struggle before we all collapse together around 11 pm. WE ARE DONE! Please help us kick our little birds out of the communal nest and into their own beds!
I need sleep! My kids are 3 and 5, and my husband and I have had them in bed with us almost every night for the past 5 years. Every night is a bedtime struggle before we all collapse together around 11 pm. WE ARE DONE! Please help us kick our little birds out of the communal nest and into their own beds!
Oh, the struggle of bedtime!
As parents, we think that we will sleep-train our infants at 9 months, then be
done with it. But in many cases this process can go on, and on, and on… Some families sleep
together in one big bed, not because they enjoy the coziness, but because they
are exhausted at the end of the day and don’t have the energy to try to make a
change. There is no single magical answer for sleep-training children. (If there were, there would be no need for all of the child-sleep books on Amazon!) When my kiddos weren't sleeping, I think I read just about every sleep-help book out there. In this blog I will share several tips that have worked in my own house and with my kiddos in the clinic. But first, I need to share a few important points.
This may not be for you.
If your family bed works, then it works! If Mom, Dad, sister, brother, little brother and dog all enjoy sleeping together in one huge California King bed while getting a sufficient amount of restful sleep...then great! If grownups are getting 8 hours of restful sleep, and the kids are getting at least 10 hours of restful sleep...don’t let me try to change you.
Consider the needs of each family member.
In my opinion, the number one consideration is the quantity and quality of sleep that each member of the family receives. Lack of sleep is linked to obesity, driving accidents, hyperactivity, depression, lower academic performance...the list goes on and on. Oftentimes, when families co-sleep, they are unable to meet the needs of each individual family member. Parents need less sleep than kids. If the kids are put to bed at 8, but the parents don’t want to go to bed until 10, then one can face a 2-hour struggle as the children struggle to sleep because they are used to having parents in the bed throughout the night with them.
Sleep training is hard!
This may not be for you.
If your family bed works, then it works! If Mom, Dad, sister, brother, little brother and dog all enjoy sleeping together in one huge California King bed while getting a sufficient amount of restful sleep...then great! If grownups are getting 8 hours of restful sleep, and the kids are getting at least 10 hours of restful sleep...don’t let me try to change you.
Consider the needs of each family member.
In my opinion, the number one consideration is the quantity and quality of sleep that each member of the family receives. Lack of sleep is linked to obesity, driving accidents, hyperactivity, depression, lower academic performance...the list goes on and on. Oftentimes, when families co-sleep, they are unable to meet the needs of each individual family member. Parents need less sleep than kids. If the kids are put to bed at 8, but the parents don’t want to go to bed until 10, then one can face a 2-hour struggle as the children struggle to sleep because they are used to having parents in the bed throughout the night with them.
Sleep training is hard!
Before sharing sleep-training techniques, I must admit that getting kids to sleep is often HARD! It can take up to 2 weeks to see results. Every child is different, and it may take some trial and error. Don’t give up! Pick a time span of a couple weeks in which the family should have a fairly routine schedule. Also pick times where the parents can afford to lose a bit of sleep (i.e., NOT at the time of scheduled work stresses such as major presentations, meetings, trips, etc). Then, try a technique and stick to it. You should see a turnaround start to occur by day seven. If no results are seen by day 10-14, abandon the technique and try another one.
Sticking with it is important!
Every child is different. However, if you start one technique, and by midnight day 3 you abandon it, the sleep patterns will only get worse. The child has just learned that if he throws a big enough tantrum, then he will get what he wants. This is dangerous territory! The negative behaviors surrounding sleep often get worse for a couple days before they get dramatically better. I have learned this as a mama myself. I have used all of these techniques at one time or another with my own children in my own PJs. The key is to match the technique listed with your own temperament and the temperament of your child. Stick to it, you can do it!
Know when to get help.
If your child consistently does not fall asleep on his own after lying quietly for 15 minutes, it is probably a good idea to discuss this with your child’s pediatrician to rule out other causes for insomnia.
Sticking with it is important!
Every child is different. However, if you start one technique, and by midnight day 3 you abandon it, the sleep patterns will only get worse. The child has just learned that if he throws a big enough tantrum, then he will get what he wants. This is dangerous territory! The negative behaviors surrounding sleep often get worse for a couple days before they get dramatically better. I have learned this as a mama myself. I have used all of these techniques at one time or another with my own children in my own PJs. The key is to match the technique listed with your own temperament and the temperament of your child. Stick to it, you can do it!
Know when to get help.
If your child consistently does not fall asleep on his own after lying quietly for 15 minutes, it is probably a good idea to discuss this with your child’s pediatrician to rule out other causes for insomnia.
Sleep Training Techniques
#1 Create a regular sleep routine
This
means no electronics 30 minutes before bed, going to bed at the same time every
night, and having a regular sequence to the evening to help set the child’s
circadian rhythm. I have more
information on this in my previous blog (link).
#2 Keep a consistent environment
Keep the child’s bed consistent throughout the night. DO NOT allow her to fall asleep in one place, then move her to her own bed in the middle of the night. Everyone wakes up periodically and briefly in the middle of the night. If the environment at midnight is not the same as it was at 8pm, this can cause a child to wake up completely, reassessing the safety of their bedroom situation. This usually involves kids crying, parents comforting and less sleep for everyone!
#3 Help your child create the environment
It often helps to get a preschool child involved with choosing his/her sleep environment. Often a new blanket, stuffed animal, night light, or pillow pet can help create a “big kid bed” that is inviting and personalized for the individual child’s needs.
#4 Sticker/reward charts
Children over the age of 3 years generally respond well to sticker/reward chart. First create the chart. Then reward your child with a sticker each morning based on certain night behavior (e.g., her head was on the pillow by a certain time the night before, she stays in bed all night, etc.). After the child earns 5-10 stickers, she can receive a “reward” of a toy, trip to the yogurt shop, movie date, or trip to the park.
#5 Ferber method
#2 Keep a consistent environment
Keep the child’s bed consistent throughout the night. DO NOT allow her to fall asleep in one place, then move her to her own bed in the middle of the night. Everyone wakes up periodically and briefly in the middle of the night. If the environment at midnight is not the same as it was at 8pm, this can cause a child to wake up completely, reassessing the safety of their bedroom situation. This usually involves kids crying, parents comforting and less sleep for everyone!
#3 Help your child create the environment
It often helps to get a preschool child involved with choosing his/her sleep environment. Often a new blanket, stuffed animal, night light, or pillow pet can help create a “big kid bed” that is inviting and personalized for the individual child’s needs.
#4 Sticker/reward charts
Children over the age of 3 years generally respond well to sticker/reward chart. First create the chart. Then reward your child with a sticker each morning based on certain night behavior (e.g., her head was on the pillow by a certain time the night before, she stays in bed all night, etc.). After the child earns 5-10 stickers, she can receive a “reward” of a toy, trip to the yogurt shop, movie date, or trip to the park.
#5 Ferber method
This is
a sleep training technique created by Dr. Richard Ferber. In this method, the
parent tucks the child into bed then leaves the room. Then the parent checks back in on the child
at set intervals that increase (2, 3, 5, 10, then 20 minutes) until the child is asleep.
#6 Reverse Ferber
I made this name up after listening to a sleep specialist from New York University. It worked wonders on my daughter when she was 3 years old. The basic premise is this: As parents we often let our child practice life skills on their own before we offer to help. For example, we let our children attempt to put on their own shoes/socks before we offer help when we see they are having trouble. This method uses the same premise.
a) If your child is able to understand, you tell your child you are going to let her practice sleeping before you help.
b) You tuck the child in, then allow the child to “practice” sleeping alone for a few minutes.
c) When the time is up, you lay down in the child’s bed with her until she falls asleep.
d) At first the child “practices” for only a couple minutes. Over time the practice period extends to up to 15 minutes.
e) If the child is truly laying still in his bed and has had a good sleep routine, she should fall asleep in that amount of time. However, if something else is going on which makes falling asleep difficult, then you are there to comfort her and provide support after that 15 minute period.
#7 "Super Nanny” approach
#6 Reverse Ferber
I made this name up after listening to a sleep specialist from New York University. It worked wonders on my daughter when she was 3 years old. The basic premise is this: As parents we often let our child practice life skills on their own before we offer to help. For example, we let our children attempt to put on their own shoes/socks before we offer help when we see they are having trouble. This method uses the same premise.
a) If your child is able to understand, you tell your child you are going to let her practice sleeping before you help.
b) You tuck the child in, then allow the child to “practice” sleeping alone for a few minutes.
c) When the time is up, you lay down in the child’s bed with her until she falls asleep.
d) At first the child “practices” for only a couple minutes. Over time the practice period extends to up to 15 minutes.
e) If the child is truly laying still in his bed and has had a good sleep routine, she should fall asleep in that amount of time. However, if something else is going on which makes falling asleep difficult, then you are there to comfort her and provide support after that 15 minute period.
#7 "Super Nanny” approach
OK, I will admit that this one was a disaster
in my house, but many people I know swear by it. In this approach, you tuck your child in,
then sit in the room as they go to sleep. If the child gets out of bed, the first time, you say “time for sleep”
and put them back into bed. After that
you simply put them back to bed with no words or eye contact. In my house, sitting in the same room did not work. However, repeatedly and gently placing the
child back to bed without words or eye contact has worked well in my
house.
What sleep tricks have worked in your house? I would love to hear your ideas!
Also, if you have a question you would like me to address in my Weekly Blog,
Also, if you have a question you would like me to address in my Weekly Blog,
send it to share@ChildrensTherapyTEAM.com
Resources:
The Ferber Method – Dr. Ferber’s Sleep Book, Pediatrics.about.com
Solve Your Child’s Sleep
Problems, Dr. Richard Ferber
Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy
Child, Dr. Marc Weissbluth
The Happiest Baby on the
Block, Dr. Harvey Karp
